Post 24 – Night Walks
When I arrived home the kids were asleep in bed. Myles was sitting in the lazy boy watching tv in the living room. I plumped myself on the couch beside his chair.
“What are you watching?” I asked, trying to push down the urgency to have a serious discussion with him.
“Oh, just a documentary.” he replied, throwing me a tired smirk.
My mind was racing! I didn’t know how to start the conversation. Shuffling in my seat, I tried to get comfortable. I crossed my legs, uncrossed my legs, then put my feet up on the couch. My body was restless. I bounced off the couch and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water.
Pacing a few times between the fridge and the back door I tried to assert myself.
“Ok, just say it like it is…Just talk to him!” I thought.
Upon my return to the living room Myles turned to face me, a melancholy look in his eyes. “I’m not happy!”
The tv was still on. I took a seat on the couch.
“Well, what is it?” I asked, still distracted by my thoughts.
“I’m just not happy.” He repeated.
Myles wasn’t one to express his feelings openly. He beamed of confidence and glowed of optimism. He never talked about his emotional struggles or weaknesses. Myles was the kind of person who had everything under control. From time to time he voiced his worries, but they were usually manageable. So, hearing him say those words didn’t send up any red flags for me. If he had a history of opening up to me emotionally, I would have taken it more seriously. But, I figured that his day wasn’t great, hence the reason for feeling down. Or, the more likely culprit was the fact that I haven’t found a full-time job yet. I knew for a fact he wasn’t happy about that!
“Well, what will make you happy?”
Probably not the best question to ask, but I was still distracted. I wanted to talk about Seth but it didn’t seem like the right time, and I honestly thought he was unhappy with me because I wasn’t actively seeking employment.
I didn’t want to approach the job topic at all!
He stood up and handed me the tv remote.
“I’m going for a walk. I need some air.” Again, he smirked sluggishly. It was one of those smirks given to people with whom you don’t want to engage. Something done out of politeness; insincere.
I was confused. It was a strange time to go for a walk, and unlike Myles to do so, especially alone.
I followed him into the hallway.
“Why are you going out for a walk? It’s so late!”
“Oh, I’ve been going out for a walk almost every night. Usually after you’ve gone to bed.” He replied in a matter-of-fact way.
I was befuddled. “What?” I paused. “What do you mean?”
Myles wasn’t expecting me to be so surprised. He straightened his shoulders and stood a little taller as a response to my reaction. It looked as though he was on the defensive.
“I go out for walks at night!” He said conservatively. “It helps clear my head.”
“How long do you go for?” I asked still trying to figure out why exactly he was going for late night strolls.
“I don’t know…30 minutes or 45 minutes. Been going out for a few months now.
“A few months?” I repeated.
“Maybe more. I don’t really know.”
In the fifteen years we’ve been married, he never walked late at night. And now all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he’s a night walker? The most unsettling thing about it was the fact that he never told me! Shouldn’t I know if my husband is going out every night for a leisurely stroll?
“Well…” I mumbled, not knowing what to say.
Somehow, I felt excluded.
I was the walker in the family! I loved taking walks! The fact that he never asked me to go along, hurt me.
“Why haven’t you ever asked me to go with you?”
“You’re always asleep! You like to go to bed early! Anyway, we can’t leave the kids alone. Someone has to stay home!”
All good points. But I wondered if he waited until I fell asleep before going out for his walks. Was it strategic, so I wouldn’t know? Why not tell me before I went to bed? Or, why not walk with me and the kids after supper, as a family?
I didn’t know what else to say. We stood in the hallway in an uncomfortable silence. After thirty seconds or so, Myles grabbed his keys from the key-holder beside the door.
“I’ll see you later.” He said closing the door behind him.
What just happened? I felt a strange feeling come over me. It wasn’t good!