Post 16 – Voices in my head
One Saturday morning as I was preparing to go over to Seth’s house to paint, I felt a little too excited to see him. Mindful of my feelings, guilt slowly crept in. My feelings for Seth were growing and I feared I might lose control and do something I regret.
We agreed to paint at Seth’s that day because he claimed to have expanded his painting studio to the main basement. The space was bigger. I could bring my easel and set up anywhere with plenty of room to move around. I wasn’t crazy about the idea – I mean, I had to bring my easel which was an extra piece of equipment, and my studio was much cozier than his entire basement. But I agreed to it. He probably missed painting in his own space.
With an hour to spare before leaving for Seth’s, my excitement and guilt were intensifying and competing with each other. I desperately wanted to speak to Myles about my growing feelings for Seth, but I didn’t know what to say! Was now a good time to bring it up? Maybe another time would be better? A time when the kids were in bed and we had the entire evening to talk? Or, maybe I could give him a heads up now for a more in-depth conversation later? I didn’t know what to do!
I couldn’t shake the guilt.
I wanted to be open with Myles but didn’t know how or when to start the conversation. Long ago Myles and I agreed to keep each other informed if we felt attracted to another person. It was time to revisit that discussion.
The kids were watching TV in the family room and Myles was in the kitchen, crushing almonds and preparing his granola breakfast for the week. I stood silently in the hallway, my mind racing.
“How do I do this?” I thought. “How do I tell my husband that I’m developing feelings for another man?”
My mind instantly jumped into a three-way conversation with itself. Much like the shoulder angels we see in cartoons, the good angel on the right side and the bad angel on the left, I had voices speaking to me in the back of my mind.
The only difference was, I had three voices…
- My questioning mind: INTERROGATOR
- My rational mind: RATIONAL
- My emotional mind: EMOTIONAL
INTERROGATOR: “Why even tell Myles about my feelings for Seth?”
RATIONAL: “Because he’s my husband!”
INTERROGATOR: “What will come out of it, if I tell him?”
RATIONAL: “It will allow me to be open with him and figure out what to do…together!”
INTERROGATOR: “Do I want to pursue a relationship with Seth?”
RATIONAL: “No! Absolutely not!”
EMOTIONAL: “I just want to kiss him…all over his body!”
RATIONAL: “WHAT? NO!”
INTERROGATOR: “Do I want to be with Seth?”
RATIONAL: “Of course not! It’s only an attraction!”
EMOTIONAL: “I like the attention he gives me. I don’t get it from Myles.”
RATIONAL: “It’s an attraction, nothing more!”
INTERROGATOR: “Well, obviously, it has to be addressed. So, what are we going to do about it?”
RATIONAL: “Maybe I should end the friendship.”
EMOTIONAL: “No! I enjoy painting with Seth! The friendship is valuable to me!”
INTERROGATOR: “If the friendship continues, are we strong enough to resist the temptation of getting intimate?”
RATIONAL: “Hmmm…”
EMOTIONAL: “I don’t know! He’s so sexy!”
INTERROGATOR / RATIONAL / EMOTIONAL: “We are in trouble girl!”