Post 14 – Low Libido?
Within six months of meeting Myles, we got married. Time went by, and it became disappointingly apparent that I had a problem with my sex drive. Seems I had lost it!
I couldn’t understand it! Desire was never a problem with past boyfriends! I considered myself a sexual being, like any other person. But for some reason, intimacy with my husband was less than satisfactory. When I think back, I don’t think I ever really felt passion for him!
It boggles my mind to this day!
Myles is an attractive man! He’s fit, well-built and intelligent. He’s the package deal!
So…why?
So many questions went through my mind, again and again, like an endless loop with no solution!
“Why don’t I feel passion? What’s wrong with me? If I don’t enjoy intimacy with Myles, does that mean I don’t love him?”
I remember telling my close friend that my marriage was passionless.
Surprised, she asked: “If there’s no passion, why do you stay?”
“Well, I guess attraction is enough!” I said, feeling empty and unresolved.
Love and attraction. Isn’t that all you need in a relationship?
More time passed, and the frequency of intimacy declined, mainly due to me. The absence of sex in any marriage eventually creates a rift, and Myles and I were no exception. We slowly grew apart, and I felt it was my fault. I began thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. Since it was my fault, it was my responsibility to do something about it.
I went to see a hormone specialist and had a few medical tests done to diagnose my low libido problem. Unfortunately, the tests provided no real results. I didn’t know what else to do but accept the fact that I wasn’t a sexual person anymore. Maybe I didn’t really like sex!?
It didn’t occur to me at the time that Myles and I simply didn’t have the right chemistry. Instead, I took the blame.
What the heck is chemistry anyway?
After an online search, this is what I found on chemistry between two people:
- involves brain chemicals
- intangible, and unspoken energy and intimate desire
- profound emotional connection between individuals that can be sensed and felt at a deeper level
- combination of basic psychological arousal combined with a feeling of pleasure 1
Simply put, it is a bond two people share. It can be strong, weak or completely absent in a relationship. In short, chemistry is all about connection and chemicals in the body.
On the same website noted above, I read the following, which I found especially interesting…
“Research suggests that not everyone experiences chemistry, and chemistry occurs most often between people who are down-to-earth and sincere. This is because if a person is comfortable with themselves, they are better able to express their true self to the world, which makes it easier to get to know them.”
Years I spent, completely baffled, trying to figure out what was wrong with me! Without feelings of passion for my husband, where did that leave us? I felt abnormal, guilty, unattractive and boring. I felt cut-off from one of the most pleasurable experiences that life has to offer.
Among all of the negative feelings, the worst part was that I didn’t feel like a woman.
If I didn’t feel like a real woman, who was I in the relationship? What was my role?
Who was I as a person?
It’s difficult for me to talk about sex so publicly. Most of my life the topic has been taboo, only to be discussed behind closed doors.
In my opinion, sex should be discussed openly without hesitation or shame, especially when challenges and obscurities arise.
Sex is a part of life, a part of our humanity and our identity. Too often, sex is stripped down to a mere act of pleasure. In our society, sex is perceived as the ultimate goal to be achieved, a sort of “notch on the belt”, where the more partners, the better. In that sense, it’s empty.
The truth is, sex is a combination of the physical, emotional and psychological. It’s the most intimate connection you can share with another person.
Sources
- Wikipedia: Chemistry (relationship).